it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
