So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
