I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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