she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
