god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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