Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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