I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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