she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm bleeding and have questions
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
