Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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