My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
