So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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