Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
