i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize