Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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