got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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