today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
