A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You're like the curious george of whores
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
