From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
