Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize