im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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