i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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