Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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