im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
