my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
