he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
