Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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