If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
