I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
