Define "chronic" masturbator.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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