did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
