Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
