I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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