Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It's never too late to be topless.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
