dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
