He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize