i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
