Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
