i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
