oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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