I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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