coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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