Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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