Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize