I haven't been this sober since birth.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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