hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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