I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
