Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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