how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
