You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
