Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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