i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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