One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
