I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
