I think I won the penis lottery.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
