Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
