I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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