Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Please don't give away my fajitas
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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