hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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