i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
she told me i tasted like america
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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