I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
