I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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