hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
