First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
