but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
