hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
