You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
