when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
