Umm I'm too high to move.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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